Does the World Really Need to Know Your Facebook Statuses?

Does the world really need to know that? That's the phrase I want running through your head before posting ANYTHING on Facebook... Does the world really need to know that?

I'm connected with plenty of good friends, relatives and random acquaintances, and while they may very well be good people, they are stampeding Facebook with nonsense. I can't be the only one that feels people's opinions on Facebook are too personal and pointless today. Their comments and status updates produce no comedy or intuition.

Between 2005 and 2009, Facebook was perfect. You would log in on Monday and Tuesday to view pictures of the weekend's events. One night Rik was triple-fisting, the other night Adam would be getting jiggy to some jam, and maybe I'd be standing in some obscure position with a silly face (no homo).

Those were the days Facebook was pure, without too much thought. But today? It's like a Chris Farley movie with a Charles Dickens' script. Facebook's concept used to be simple and perfect. No one complained about it. No one wanted it to change, but now they've complicated matters - and as I see it, the biggest problem is the overhaul of opinions. Yes, opinions matter, but not so many and not so often.

Here are variations of my Facebook "friends" recent status updates and what I thought of them:

• PATS BABY!!! 7-0!!!! KEEP IT UP!!!! (The mid-game sports post) 
  Yes, the Patriots just scored a touchdown, but I don't need a reminder because I'm watching the game. Had I been away from the TV and unable to watch, I would have turned on the radio or checked ESPN.com - I would never rely on your Facebook statuses. Furthermore, anyone who's checking your status right now probably isn't a Pats fan and doesn't care about football, so basically you're talking to yourself. Please delete this comment, as well as the following 57 updates you're going to post throughout the game.
  
  
• What's the difference between the papacy and NCAA coaches?... They both touch little boys. (The offensive, in-vogue news post)
  Okay. First of all, that's not a difference, that's a similarity. And even though I think that's hilarious.... actually, check that, I like this post. Well done.
  
  
• LMFOA @ MITT ROMNEY and NEWT GINGRICH!!! GET BENT!!!! (The politically driven post from an idiot)
  I understand you are a die hard Obama supporter and you probably think all Republicans are pitiful and selfish, but what did mother say about bringing politics to the dinner table? Secondly, I'm tired of people player-hating politicians. It doesn't matter if they're Republican or Democrat, they're all Americans trying to make life better and/or worse for everyone. People in blue states have this dumb notion that Republicans are out to screw the middle and lower class. And red-staters think liberals are gonna turn this country into a socialistic, foreign speaking, immigrant haven... Well guess what, it already is, so deal with it. I loved George Bush for his humorous press conferences and media moments, and I love Obama for his confidence and charisma. Whoever is president, it doesn't fucking matter because nothing ever changes in Washington other than the fart-snot that gets subbed from the oval office every four to eight years.
  
  
• Don't wait until tomorrow, live it up today (The good vibe, life tip post) 
  Does the world really need to know that? When did you become Buddha and I your apprentice? Maybe you should take your own advice, spend less time on Facebook and actually LIVE IT UP.  Nobody my age can tell me how to live, nor has a better handling of their life than I do. I may wear things on my sleeve more than most, but there's no way I need life lessons from some 20-something-year-old who's still working a part-time internship. Yea, buddy, YOU LIVE IT UP with your zero-to-minimum wage and let me figure out my own life. Asshole.

Now let's all take a deep breath and not post a Facebook status for the rest of the day. If there's breaking news, let the news stations handle it. I don't need fucking news reports on Facebook. The site is there to share pictures, funny videos and links to things that have purpose. If I were emperor of Facebook, I would limit everyone's posts to three per day. 

Free your mind, let go of your computer and withhold your fingers from interpreting thoughts onto Facebook. Relax and trust me, the world doesn't need to know what you're about to say. 

The Office Wife or Husband

There's always that one confidant at work you can trust. For many, that person is the opposite sex. In our society, we call that an office wife or husband - a plutonic (hopefully) better half at the office. However, there's a lot of things a man can't tell a woman. I'm not ashamed that my office wife is a man, but I wonder how common it actually is.


Technically, I guess he isn't my office wife or husband since I'm not married yet, so this man is actually my office fiance or office mistress - I could take this even further and mention that him having a penis and balls really means he's my office mister. And I know what you're thinking, why is my office wife a man?

First of all, yes, it's because I have no game with women anymore. I'd like to think I had skills before getting engaged, but even if you can't convince a female coworker to be yours truly, there are still advantages to having a man as your office wife:

No sexual tension and no risk of cheating. I have no intentions of sleeping with my office mister because I'm not gay, and he wouldn't go for me if I were because he's way out of my league. 

You can go to the bathroom together. You can sit stall-to-stall and feel comfortable. There's no need to hold that embarrassing fart back because your office husband is right there to laugh with you and encourage more smelly nonsense. 

You don't have to deal with PMS. Let's face it, PMS makes any heterosexual relationship pure hell for two days out of every month. With an office wife, you not only have to deal with a PMS'd woman at home, but at work, too. With an office husband, You'll never have to hear the words, "I can't believe I forgot a fucking tampon. Do you have a cork and tissue I could borrow?," or "You know I don't like dark chocolate, I LIKE MILK CHOCOLATE!!!"

You can actually engage in a conversation. Maybe this is just a consequence of my upbringing with Jewish women, but as far as I know, women dominate the conversation. They love talking about themselves, about other women, about gossip and things that don't interest men, such as their opinions.

In order for a man to remember what a woman says, he needs to have some sort of participation in the discussion. Women need to speak less and get to the point more. As soon as the woman speaks ten seconds too long, a man has already lost interest and doesn't know what's going on. Then he contemplates asking, "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?," but with that question the man runs the risk of offending the woman, or worse, having her repeat herself and forcing the man to listen again.


Your actual significant other won't get jealous. Make love, not war. Don't let your girl worry all day about you cheating on her. If you engage in deep conversation with another woman, it's considered adultery in today's standards. 'Deep conversation' is a relative term. Any conversation that lasts more than five minutes in which the man provides at least one answer of more than one word is considered an admirable display of dialogue. Conversely, any conversation in which the woman dominates less than 80 percent of the conversation is a miracle. 

Your morning maker: Alternatives to coffee

As a Jew, I always dwell on the negatives and risks of things. So while it may very well be that coffee is a great waker-upper and shitter-starter, it's bad for the heart, blood and blackens your teeth over time. Naturally, I've found alternatives to coffee that are healthier and more fun.

Morning sex. Obviously. It's a great workout. You increase your heart rate and even if you give a bad performance, it's so much better than having a bad coffee.  Now if only they made coffee-flavored lube... Dunkin' Donuts - get on that. But please, if you choose this option, have some mouthwash within reach.

Yoga for ten minutes. Underrated and definitely gay, but with natural blood flow to your muscles, back and brain, it's the closest thing to morning sex without the orgasm - and if you're a woman, you probably won't orgasm from morning sex anyway, so you might as well save yourself the tease and just do some yoga instead. Hey, if you're a lady, you can kill two birds with one stone: Get in the downward dog position and have your man downward-doggy style you.

Jog. But you're too lazy anyway, so why would you ever take 7 minutes out of your morning to lose weight and gain a mental boost. Only regular joggers do this, so I don't expect you to, but if you don't have a significant other to fondle or solid vinyasa techniques, then get those kicks on and move your fat ass.

Smoothie. (Also known in my house as a 'smooty' by my mother). Don't have time to chop the fruits in the morning and blend them, you say? Well do it the night before and put it in the fridge, you moron. If you had to choose between the natural sugars of pears, apples, mangos and oranges versus the foul, necrophilic stench of your significant other's mouth in the morning, I'm assuming you'd choose the prior. Let's face it, morning sex can go from great to gross when they try to kiss you.

Ice cold shower. Don't be a sissy. There's nothing like frozen balls to wake you up.

Slap your face silly... or viciously.

Yell at the top of your lungs, preferably something obscene. You'll not only wake yourself up, but all the neighbors, too. When they come outside and give you the mean, ooshka-ooshka look, don't worry, that's just a proverbial, angry thank you.

Hire a Jewish mother to bark chores at you. Pros of this: you'll naturally wake up as blood will soar to your veins and brain in frustration. Cons: You may actually have to do the chores as ignoring them can result in having to deal with guilt the entire day.

Read BostonJew.com. Can I promote myself on my own website? Whether you're laughing or frustrated at the lack of humor, both induce natural blood flow to your infantile, BostonJew-hating brain. Top of the morning to you, unappreciative asshole. I don't get paid for this shit and you get it for free, and you're gonna tell me I'm not a good enough alternative for coffee? Fuck you. Wake the fuck up, you lazy shit.

Illegal Immigration solvents

The security of our borders has been a hot topic since the French infested Louisiana, and whether or not you agree with a politician's stance on illegal immigration, nothing will ultimately be resolved. Politics is basically an endless cycle of debates on serious issues that no one wants to actually confront or solve. From the potential threats of terrorism, to the ongoing onslaught of drugs and illegal immigrants from Mexico, to the vicious Canadian moose constantly knocking on our door up north, we are being squeezed from every direction. Here's some real solutions to bolster our border control:

Hire beavers to build and secure the border. If there's one species that works harder than Mexicans, it's the beavers. With those 60-pound frames, a beaver can chomp through trees and haul branches, while never asking for a raise, just like a Mexican. If beavers can dam a river in a week while providing for their family, they can definitely secure our borders more efficiently. Also, these guys can stay under water for 15 minutes straight! Imagine all the sneaking around they could do in rival countries.  So you wanna know what Ahmadinejad and President Chavez are discussing in that secret meeting? Send the beavers! Forget dogs, the Army needs to start training beavers!


Stop being so awesome of a country
People immigrate to the United States because of all the opportunities. Fuck the phrase, "The land of opportunity." That's exactly what's getting us into trouble. There are so many jobs in this country that a company was dumb enough to hire me. And if you think an 8.5-percent unemployment rate is bad, just look at some of our European friends, such as Spain. Spaniards probably consider our situation heavenly - they're unemployment rate currently stands at 22.9 percent.

We need to have fewer jobs in this country so immigrants stop taking advantage of them. Or at the very least, advertise that there's a 40-percent unemployment rate and maybe that will scare them away.

Legalize every illegal drug temporarily
Once we legalize drugs in America and Mexico, drug cartels will emerge from their hidden cells of operation. Because making and distributing drugs will be legal, dealers won't have to live an inconspicuous life and they will trade openly. They might even create mobile-ready websites to distribute more efficiently. Once we find the locations of all the scumbags and cartels in the United States and Mexico, we reverse the law back to its illegal state and pick out every one of those worthless powder hoarders.

"There's the answer to our problem."

Thoughts: Antique stores and chicken

How do they make profit on antique stores?
Grandmas who own antique stores... I understand the premise: You got a bunch of old shit that you should probably throw away, but there's a one in a million chance that a hippie, fellow grandma or Martha Stewart fan will buy your dated, worthless trash.

There's no maintenance involved in antique stores. Even if a store owner did furnish or repair their products, no one would notice - but somehow, SOMEHOW, they manage to stay in business for decades.

I don't get how it works. Of all the tourist traps out there, when is the last time someone felt trapped into buying something? These grandmas just sit there all day and night, reading and knitting, and no one buys anything. But they make profit? C'mon now, what the fuck is going on here?

If somebody buys an antique and it breaks, that's expected. There is no 30-day warranty or credit toward another item. These grandmas have been waiting years to sell that 1947 Mickey Mouse lamp, and when someone's dumb enough to buy it and it doesn't work, they act surprised.

I tried to sell my 1984 Macintosh HD and no one took a stab at it - I even offered California Raisin action figures at no extra cost. What gives? Apparently, there's a fine line between vintage, antique and old shit that I clearly don't have an understanding of.

Why don't Jews get proper representation for liking chicken, too?

Black people LOVE chicken. Blah, blah, blah. Jews probably love chicken even more. Well, it's not that we LOVE it, but our mothers cook up a new chicken every three days. Legend has it, the ancient Jewish mothers fed their children breast-chicken, not breast-milk....... OY VEY, that was a terrible joke. 

Here's the deal, if you put a starving Black man and a starving Jew in a cage with fried chicken in the middle, obviously the Black guy would win a fight for it, but if it were a bidding war, the Jew would win - that counts for something. 

Do you really think a Jew would pass up a chance to feast at KFC or order 20 chicken McNuggets? We would eat that bullshit every day if we could, but we never get the credit Black people do for loving it so much. 

Jews were raised on chicken. Don't forget it. 

Now if you'll excuse me, my Mickey Mouse lamp is flickering and I need to change the bulb. 

Black Moses: Martin Luther King, Jr.

On this day, every Jew respects the Black Moses: Martin Luther King, Jr.

Unfortunately, I work for an English company and I don't get this day off. However, I doubt MLK would take a day off work, even if given the opportunity.

Spread the seas of racism...

What's worse than Rebecca Black?... Courtney Stodden

Courtney Stodden: I don't know if I love her or if I ABSOLUTELY HATE HER.

mini-dancing Rabbi Gefiltashtein now available!

mini-dancing Rabbi Gefiltashtein now available!

Sympathy for the Devil: honoring a terrorist's dead body

The desecration and abuse of dead soldiers is nothing new to war, and the most recent video of four U.S. Marines pissing on three dead terrorist bodies is just a tempered example of the horrors of the inevitable consequences of chaotic battle. Let's remember throughout this blog that these men who deserve to be pissed on alive, asleep or dead are terrorists, not honorable soldiers. 


I'm not sure if we civilians can understand the mental and physical strain a soldier goes through on a daily basis, and I doubt anyone would deny they'd find pleasure in pissing on Osama Bin Laden's or any other terrorist's body. Many claim the acts by the Marines was inappropriate, but that's because they're not tasked with the stress of war every day. These critics don't witness first-hand the despicable terrorists who target to kill mothers, young adults and 10-year-old kids on their way to peacefully pray in a mosque. I'd just as easily piss on a wall in an alley on a drunk night as I would a terrorist in his mouth - and I wouldn't need a fifth of vodka to do it. 


During WWII, the Japanese and Americans did MUCH MUCH worse to each other's fallen soldiers. There were times the Japanese, for example, would cut off a dead American Soldier's penis and stuff it in their own mouths. Incoming Marines would later walk by their fellow fallen and witness this display and become angered by it - but that's war. Read this book to get a better account of the actual horrors of war before you judge a soldier's actions following a confirmed kill. Men at war aren't robots who can follow the standards of etiquette after being shot at and shelled for weeks at a time - they become beasts.

The actions of the Marines are not deplorable. The ones to blame are the idiots who decided to film it and the government or media which failed to immediately ban this video from streaming through every television network in the United States. Some news stations explain how this video will anger our opponents even more... well, if you didn't keep playing it nonstop, or if you didn't even play it in the first place, we wouldn't be in that predicament. This plainly shows you that the media really doesn't give a shit about the war, or if we succeed, because they're purposefully sparking a rise in both the American and Terrorist populations.

If you think we should honor these dead terrorists with proper burials, you're twisted. These bodies should be burned, left to rot, pissed on, laughed at and then some - just don't record it. If you try to kill my 10-year old children, a golden shower is probably the nicest thing you're gonna get from me.

Hypocrisy: A Muslim Tim Tebow

The next Tim Tebow?

Depending on your religion, you either have the right to express it or the nuisance of people begging you to keep it in the closet. Sadly, Muslims in the United States live in a world of haters, and while we tolerate Tim Tebow's televised love of Christianity, we continue our hypocritical religious approach.

All Americans love him, hate him or don't even know who Tim Tebow is (My fiance is in the latter category). His positive attitude might be his best trait, but his questionable football skills and publicized, proverbial, ass-kissing devotion to God have many up in arms, both positively and negatively.

The obvious perception is that he has every right to express his beliefs in any fashion he so chooses. Even if he weren't on T.V. every Sunday, he'd probably continue to pray his way through life. That's fine. Consistency and honesty are laudable characteristics and I don't think anyone doubts Tebow's loyalty and respect for God, regardless of his privileged position in life.

Even as a believer in God and disbeliever in religion, I'm not offended when I see Tebow praying before or during a game. If everyone were like Tebow, life would still suck, but at least we'd have an honorable and productive human race. If you think kneeling down on one knee and silently talking to thin air for two minutes a day will help you accomplish your goals, keep it up - except if you're Muslim, according to the American media. So just imagine if Tim Tebow were Muslim. Do you think they'd let this fly? Would Tim Tebow, the Muslim, be the most popular, in-vogue athlete that he is today, or would he be the source of an underlying issue that would eventually need to be addressed by the National Football League. I can assure you the latter would amount. Not only would the media question, rather than tolerate, the appropriateness of a Muslim Tebow advertising his religion, the National Football League would likely put a ban on outward displays of religion on camera - or, at the very least, the cameramen would be informed not to record those praying on the field.

I urge someone in the NFL to show up to a game with an Islamic prayer mat, face east, kneel down and pray five times in one game. I also would like three Buddhists, a Jew, seven Mormon wives and a Taoist to join hands and bow down together in front of the goal posts following a field goal.

I never partake in overly religious customs, but I do respect them. However, I don't respect the hypocrisy of Americans, and I'm in support of anyone who believes that Tim Tebow's religious rants are offensive to believers of reality, science, atheism and anything other than Christianity. If I can't boast anything except Christianity in this country, then America is the terrorist.

Every week we are blessed or cursed - depending on your perspective - with Tim Tebow's religious display, and I'm reminded of an unfortunate truth: that our country is racist, anti-Islamic and hypocritical.

A drunk moment with a homeless man

Just another drunk night with my favorite homeless man in Boston. I randomly ran into him on New Year's Eve while taking a break outside from the hectic bar scene. He can sing the classic blues and jazz with the best of 'em ('em' being the inebriated homeless).

Answering Neurotic Jewish Questions

Oyyyyyyyyy veyyyyyy... and I say that in the best of ways! What an amazing weekend for my temple. All the fake Jews were out celebrating the Christian New Year and no one showed up for services, so I didn't even have go to work and spit my religious rhymes on the podium. Baruch atah adonei, Christian New Year, for giving my Jews something to do other than pretend to enjoy early morning Shabbat services.

Dear Rabbi,
They went from regular shaving cream to this gel stuff. Why the change? (Curious wife of Jon - Cleveland, Ohio)


It's true, the change was sudden and unnecessary, and I can sense you're more skeptical than you are curious, although the name you provided suggests otherwise. "They" are making you work harder to get your foam out of the bottle these days. It used to be simple: you press the button and the shaving cream came out in foam form. Now, when the stuff comes out it's gel and you have to rub it around your face until it becomes foam. Why do I have to do the extra work? Are these manufacturers saving pennies on the dollar by producing this substance as gel instead of foam? If so, why are they charging a dollar more for gel cans?

Personally, I don't trust change, unless it's a quarter on the street. Tell your husband to start using the old and reliable Barbasol.


Dear Rabbi, 
My bag was randomly checked by an officer as I entered the subway. Next to me, was a Black man who the cop chose not to inspect. I find this a step in the right direction. I'm not a fan of profiling in this country. But, I'm a Jew - what did the cop hope to find on me? A blueprint of a ponzi scheme? (Martin - Seattle, Washington)


Yes.




Dear Rabbi,
This issue never ceases to baffle me, and some Christians believe it so passionately that some days I actually think it happened. Can you reveal to me your thoughts on the immaculate conception? (Jack - Manhattan, New York)


I believe that it wasn't as immaculate as the Christians proclaim. In fact, once you hear the answer, you'll undoubtedly understand why the cause of the immaculate conception was kept out of the Bible. One of the theories was that the virgin Mother Mary was raped by a Roman soldier, but rape is sex and that wouldn't make her a virgin.

Mother Mary was a virgin and too shy to spread her legs, so instead she offered the Roman soldier a hand job. Mother Mary then wanted to satisfy herself. With the same hand she used on the Roman soldier, she fingered herself, giving way to the "immaculate" conception.

Would you want your Children reading about that in the Bible? Exactly. No wonder this is kept under wraps.


Dear Rabbi, 
My mother and wife have been overbearing over the past few years and I cannot take it anymore. One day they want me to paint a room - the next day I have to go to the end of town to buy a curtain - then they complain how I don't do enough for the house. It seems there's nothing I can do to impress or at least shut them up - how am I supposed to handle this for the rest of my life? (Jim - Brooklyn, New York)


Every Jewish man has your problem. If you're unable to tolerate the avalanche of requests and critique coming from your mother and wife, just go to a monastery, become a monk and take a vow of silence.

Short of becoming a monk, there's nothing else you can do. You could try taking a vow of silence in your own home, but your wife and mother would slap you simultaneously to snap you out of it and bark at you to, "SHUT UP AND DO THE DISHES ALREADY."

You tell her, "But honey, I am shutting up, I'm taking a vow of silence."
SLAP again.

Just do your job as a slave of the Jewish woman or pack your bags and find the nearest monastery.

The Greatest Fantasy Football Finish of All Time

This was by far the most nerve-racking and satisfying fantasy moment of my life, and I'm not even ashamed to admit to my fiance that I was checking the score 80 percent of the time while we were watching Cowboys and Aliens. This won me $350 after all. So here's how it went down. 

With around two minutes left in the Giants and Cowboys game (the last game on the NFL's regular season schedule), my opponent had 326 points to my 325.5 points. My opponent has Romo, as you can see above. Romo dropped back to pass, got hit from behind, fumbled the ball and the Giants recovered. This made Romo lose a point. That point dropped my opponent's score from 326 to 325, and I held a half-point lead with Eli Manning just having to kneel the ball. When the clock hit zero, I began the ol' jimmy-two-step-pan-dance (video evidence at a later date). 

Final Score: Boston Jew 325.5 - Drogo's Stallions 325

I watched the last ten minutes of Cowboys and Aliens and thank god it finally ended. I started jumping and screaming in the house, and it wasn't because Daniel Craig just shot that idiotic wrist-band to save the world. What a dumb fucking movie, but it was so worth it because somehow, intergalactically , that movie connected me to the greatest fantasy football win of all time. 

Beats the hell out of Kanye

If you're not impressed, you're probably on your period. Matt Mulholland is a genius.

Hanukkah vs. Kwanzaa

Some silly Christian came up to me and said, "Aren't Hanukkah and Kwanzaa the same thing?" ... So much to learn, so little brain power.

The truth is: Kwanza is the Danny Devito of light ceremonies and Hanukkah is Shaquille O'Neal. If we're talking acting skills, that would mean Kwanzaa dominates Hanukkah, but if I'm referring to height, it's vice versa - I'll let you decide which works best because it's all relative anyway.

One time I wished my Black friend a Happy Kwanzaa, and I felt awkward. It's not the same as saying Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah because those holidays are actually honoring momentous occasions from the past. When I told the guy Happy Kwanzaa, I felt like I was saying, "HEY YOU'RE BLACK, HAPPY BEING BLACK WEEK!" 

What's this bullshit about celebrating your race? I don't care what race you are, it's pathetic to devote a week, a month or a parade showboating the color of your skin or your ethnic background. Why don't I round up my fellow Middle Easterners who were born with an exorbitant amount of leg hair and dedicate March 21st to us. We'll walk down the streets with short-shorts, stomping and hollering, "We so hairy, we so proud, look at my face, now look at my legs."

I've never been so proud of being straight to warrant a parade, which why Gay parades are stupid to me. Why the fuck are they parading about their sexual preference? If Gays are trying to convince us all that loving someone of the same gender is no big deal, why are they parading? A parade is a big deal - it's a statement - it screams to me, "HEY, CHECK THIS OUT. I'M FUCKING GAY! IT'S A PRETTY BIG DEAL!!!"

My Jews don't get one day, one parade or even an infomercial to boast our legendary scholars, politicians, freedom fighters, peacemakers and "athletes". We may own the media, but we don't get much face time besides Larry David. 

Even though Kwanzaa is a good-natured holiday, the professor who invented it in 1966 is probably the only one who actually celebrated. I don't know one Black man in my network that honors Kwanzaa, but every fake Jew shows off pictures on Facebook how they waste away candles on a menorah. That's all this holiday is to me, a wax-wasting seder. Jews of Israel take this holiday seriously. Some morons in the United States think Hanukkah was a way to take revenge on Christmas. Yes, Jews are jealous of Christmas, but Hanukkah signifies the Jewish victory over the Syrian-Greeks in 165 B.C. That's long before Jesus was even a sperm. 

So in conclusion: Hanukkah is just as irrelevant as Kwanzaa because we're all bred from the same God or DNA. It doesn't matter which is celebrated more. Neither race (Jew or Black) is more significant than the other because we all breath the same air and drink the same beer. Still, if I was in a cage-match with a Black man and we were fighting for which was better, Kwanzaa or Hanukkah, then I'd forfeit. So I guess, Kwanzaa wins. Unless, he's a Black Jew, then we both win.