The security of our borders has been a hot topic since the French infested Louisiana, and whether or not you agree with a politician's stance on illegal immigration, nothing will ultimately be resolved. Politics is basically an endless cycle of debates on serious issues that no one wants to actually confront or solve. From the potential threats of terrorism, to the ongoing onslaught of drugs and illegal immigrants from Mexico, to the vicious Canadian moose constantly knocking on our door up north, we are being squeezed from every direction. Here's some real solutions to bolster our border control:
Hire beavers to build and secure the border. If there's one species that works harder than Mexicans, it's the beavers. With those 60-pound frames, a beaver can chomp through trees and haul branches, while never asking for a raise, just like a Mexican. If beavers can dam a river in a week while providing for their family, they can definitely secure our borders more efficiently. Also, these guys can stay under water for 15 minutes straight! Imagine all the sneaking around they could do in rival countries. So you wanna know what Ahmadinejad and President Chavez are discussing in that secret meeting? Send the beavers! Forget dogs, the Army needs to start training beavers!
Stop being so awesome of a country
People immigrate to the United States because of all the opportunities. Fuck the phrase, "The land of opportunity." That's exactly what's getting us into trouble. There are so many jobs in this country that a company was dumb enough to hire me. And if you think an 8.5-percent unemployment rate is bad, just look at some of our European friends, such as Spain. Spaniards probably consider our situation heavenly - they're unemployment rate currently stands at 22.9 percent.
We need to have fewer jobs in this country so immigrants stop taking advantage of them. Or at the very least, advertise that there's a 40-percent unemployment rate and maybe that will scare them away.
Legalize every illegal drug temporarily
Once we legalize drugs in America and Mexico, drug cartels will emerge from their hidden cells of operation. Because making and distributing drugs will be legal, dealers won't have to live an inconspicuous life and they will trade openly. They might even create mobile-ready websites to distribute more efficiently. Once we find the locations of all the scumbags and cartels in the United States and Mexico, we reverse the law back to its illegal state and pick out every one of those worthless powder hoarders.
"There's the answer to our problem."
