As a Jew, I always dwell on the negatives and risks of things. So while it may very well be that coffee is a great waker-upper and shitter-starter, it's bad for the heart, blood and blackens your teeth over time. Naturally, I've found alternatives to coffee that are healthier and more fun.
Morning sex. Obviously. It's a great workout. You increase your heart rate and even if you give a bad performance, it's so much better than having a bad coffee. Now if only they made coffee-flavored lube... Dunkin' Donuts - get on that. But please, if you choose this option, have some mouthwash within reach.
Jog. But you're too lazy anyway, so why would you ever take 7 minutes out of your morning to lose weight and gain a mental boost. Only regular joggers do this, so I don't expect you to, but if you don't have a significant other to fondle or solid vinyasa techniques, then get those kicks on and move your fat ass.
Smoothie. (Also known in my house as a 'smooty' by my mother). Don't have time to chop the fruits in the morning and blend them, you say? Well do it the night before and put it in the fridge, you moron. If you had to choose between the natural sugars of pears, apples, mangos and oranges versus the foul, necrophilic stench of your significant other's mouth in the morning, I'm assuming you'd choose the prior. Let's face it, morning sex can go from great to gross when they try to kiss you.
Ice cold shower. Don't be a sissy. There's nothing like frozen balls to wake you up.
Slap your face silly... or viciously.
Yell at the top of your lungs, preferably something obscene. You'll not only wake yourself up, but all the neighbors, too. When they come outside and give you the mean, ooshka-ooshka look, don't worry, that's just a proverbial, angry thank you.
Hire a Jewish mother to bark chores at you. Pros of this: you'll naturally wake up as blood will soar to your veins and brain in frustration. Cons: You may actually have to do the chores as ignoring them can result in having to deal with guilt the entire day.
Read BostonJew.com. Can I promote myself on my own website? Whether you're laughing or frustrated at the lack of humor, both induce natural blood flow to your infantile, BostonJew-hating brain. Top of the morning to you, unappreciative asshole. I don't get paid for this shit and you get it for free, and you're gonna tell me I'm not a good enough alternative for coffee? Fuck you. Wake the fuck up, you lazy shit.
